Remember that song by The Beatles, All you need is love?
I sang it as a teen…thinking if I had someone to love me, everything would be okay.
As I get older, I realize that it is hope that I need. Love is important. We need to feel loved, but for me…I need hope.
Today marks the 8th anniversary of the miscarriage of my baby girl. I was devastated and had a hard time coping for quite a while. In 2006, My husband & I already had 2 amazing sons and we had tried for more than 8 years to conceive again…we so hoped to have another child, especially a girl. When my test strip finally showed 2 blue lines, I was in shock. I was old…at the end of my child bearing years. I was 44 at the time and felt kind of like Sarah…I was sure God was chuckling as He answered my prayers. Yet tragically just 6 weeks later…she was gone.
I have not shared this heart ache with many, however I feel I must today. For without hope, I feel I would have given up and faded into the abyss.
I have a loving husband, friends, a great support system but yet I was sinking into blackness. I knew God loved me…but that just wasn’t enough at that low time in my life. I had to find my way back. I knew I needed to recover to take care of my boys.., they needed me, their Mom…and it was hope that got me through.
Hope that my heartache would subside. Hope that I could and would be the best Mom I could be to my boys. Hope that even though I did not get to hold my daughter…I have hope that I will see her one day in Heaven.
I do not know why I had to endure this heartache, however I have learned to not question “why” anymore. It doesn’t change things…in fact it was causing me to be bitter. Like whenever I saw a pregnant woman, a newborn or a child of the same age mine would have been. Now I pray in each situation and release the pain, the sadness, the longing for what might have been.
He said, “I came naked from my mother’s womb, and I will be naked when I leave.
The Lord gave me what I had,
and the Lord has taken it away.
Praise the name of the Lord!” Job 1:21 (NLT)
I believe that God knows best. He has a plan. I will probably never understand His reasons this side of Heaven, but I trust Him. He has the right to give and take away. He calls us to praise him EITHER WAY! The pain is there as days like today roll in and try to steam roller me, but I am free because I have hope.
Hope is all I need.
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